| From My Dad's Most Recent Email |
[09 Dec 2009|07:48pm] |
It might be inappropriate to post such things publicly, but I couldn't help it.
----
Something really odd happend last night. I woke up about midnight to go to the bathrooom....and I heard odd noise from the kitchen. I stood there in the kitchen trying to figure out what the noise was when I saw a car coming up the driveway. The outside light didnt come on so I went to the bedroom to get dressed, and grab my gun. When I was in the bedroom I heard a loud banging on the door. I had the gun behind me, and I unlocked the door....It was a zillah police officer. I realized the noise I was hearing was the horn of the mazda....I dont know how long it was honking....the neighbors must have called the police. When I went out the door I set the gun down on the floor....he never saw it....if he had he probably would have shit. I unlocked the door and pounded on the horn and it stopped, and he left. I unhooked the battery to make sure it didnt go off again. Had I been sleeping downstairs I would have never heard a thing. It was brutaly cold out....the wind was howling.....I guess the Mazda just wanted some attention.
Other than that not much new here.....
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2 superheroes| get sentimental
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| I win! |
[23 Nov 2009|05:23pm] |
I got the following result on an OkCupid.com quiz, and felt like I won the whole shebang. I mean... this is the best option, right?
the Provacateur
(52% dark, 31% spontaneous, 47% vulgar) your humor style:
VULGAR | COMPLEX | DARK
You'll crack on anything, and you're often witty, even caustic, about it.
Therefore, your sense of humor is polarizing. You're transgressive, and you've got a seriously sharp 'edge'--maybe too much for some folks. If they get you, people think you're one of the funniest (and smartest) people in the world. If they don't, they think you're an ass. Whatever, right? While some might question your judgement, your comic intellect is unquestionably respected.
PEOPLE LIKE YOU: Chris Rock - Lenny Bruce - George Carlin
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3 superheroes| get sentimental
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| "Drafts" folder number three: A Hitler Joke |
[09 Nov 2009|07:08pm] |
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My latest one? I think we are really lucky Hitler didn't set any major athletic records while he was alive. Can you imagine how terrible that would be if we kept trying to beat Hitler's homerun record, or his mile time, but just couldn't quite do it? But then again, once it was finally done we could be proud, and run headlines like, "Nazism finally defeated at Safeco Field!"
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2 superheroes| get sentimental
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| An old teacher bio I didn't use... (more "Drafts" cleaning) |
[09 Nov 2009|06:57pm] |
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Andrew has spent the majority of his life in a small American town whose claim to fame was a gas station shaped like a teapot. He then moved to a city with a red wagon the size of semi truck. The last year of Andrew's life has been spent here in Shanghai, where buildings are shaped like outstretched fingers toward the sky.
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get sentimental
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| From my "Drafts" folder on gmail... |
[09 Nov 2009|06:51pm] |
At some point, all the failures, missteps, and poor decisions you have made in life will lead you to the best spot you have yet been.*
*granted that you don't end up dead or in prison.
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get sentimental
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| Wonderwall, in and out of Chinese on Google Translator (with musical accompaniment while reading) |
[25 Oct 2009|05:31pm] |
http://cdn1-49.projectplaylist.com/e1/static10/349/1849965.mp3
Miraclewall - Oasis
Today is gonna be the day that they gonna throw it back to you
Now you should be a certain way to achieve what you come here
I do not believe that anyone feels that I tell you now
Back to the team, will be the streets, is putting out the fire in your heart
I'm sure you've heard it all before, but you never really in doubt
I do not believe that anyone feels that I tell you now
And all the roads, we walk the winding
And all the lights, so we have a blinding
There are many things I would like to say to you
But I do not know
Because maybe
You are going will be my saving
After all, and the
You are the wall I do not know
Today is gonna be one day, but they will never throw it back to you
Now you should be aware of a certain extent you do not do
I do not believe that anyone feels that I tell you now
And all the roads lead you have a winding-up
And all the lights are blinding light the way
There are many things I would like to say to you
But I do not know
I said maybe
You are going will be my saving
After all, and the
You are the wall I do not know
I said maybe
You are going will be my saving
After all, and the
You are the wall I do not know
I said maybe
You are going will be my saving
You are going will be my saving
You are going will be my saving
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5 superheroes| get sentimental
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| Investment Time Machine |
[24 Oct 2009|12:41pm] |
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After faithfully investing in my Roth IRA every year since April 2005, my account balance is exactly $89 more than what the balance would be if I was just shoving the money in mattress.
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get sentimental
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| My Teacher Bio For The Website |
[21 Oct 2009|08:57pm] |
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What’s up, Bitches? My names D to the R to the E to the D.R.E. double you! As in double your pleasure! And I’m here to double the education of your little bastard. No seriously though, I’m really fucking good at this. Other kids in China? They can’t line up for shit! And they spit sunflower seeds all over their chin like some kinda marsupial. For real. I once saw a little kid here trying to climb into his mom’s pouch (only it weren’t no pouch!) The point is, the brats that go through my class can line up and don’t be spittin’ or nothin’. I don’t want you to sweat a thing, because I can handle it. I took this class, and it taught me all about the brain a kid has, right? And their brains is different! Listen: you can’t just tell a kid how to wash your car, or make a meat pie. You got to show them that shit! And if you notice, my car is always clean and I always be eatin’ meat pies. Peace out.
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2 superheroes| get sentimental
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| This is a test. For Corbin. |
[20 Oct 2009|05:44pm] |
A photo from my Vietnam trip last Christmas. I lost this photo and hundreds of others when my computer was stolen some time after and the thought can still bring tears if I think about it too long. So I don't think about it.
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2 superheroes| get sentimental
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| geckos |
[19 Oct 2009|06:46pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 contemplative |
] |
I was on the very verge of sleep when I suddenly thought of the tiny gecko I had seen the day before. We were playing kickball in a field in the zoo because it's one of the only places in all of Shanghai with enough grass and space to play such things. I was waiting for my turn to kick and I tore a hunk of bark off of the tree we used to locate home base. It looked like a dead spider was curled up inside so I took a closer look. When I did, what I thought was a dead spider sprang to life as a tiny gecko that quickly unfurled, ran over the bark, and fell to the grass. I of course did my characteristic scream of a young girl that I perform whenever anything scares me and then knelt to the grass to find it. It was absolutely tiny - smaller than half my pinky finger - and adorable. I wanted to hug it, build it a home with tiny furniture made for geckos, to somehow let it know how much I loved him. And here I had just destroyed his home and threatened his life. I picked it up as carefully as I could and held my hand out to the tree near the missing piece of bark, hoping it didn't take much work for a gecko to make a home.
For some reason after thinking about this my heart raced and was again wide awake.
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2 superheroes| get sentimental
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| The Past Me: Karate and Women |
[18 Oct 2009|01:20pm] |
If we exist in time on a path of past present and future, then it is logical that there is a past me doing all the things I've already done. Instead of focusing on the present me to positively affect the future(i.e. school, work, saving money), maybe I can affect the future by focusing on the past me. Tell him to make more money, learn karate, and above all, make out with more women. Then maybe one day I'll wake up with those things without having to work them.
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2 superheroes| get sentimental
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| Hi Def Dad |
[11 Oct 2009|02:31am] |
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A lot of people living abroad get emails from their parents back home about family, work, and even pets, For the last two weeks, correspondence with my dad has been about his three new flat screen televisions and HD connections. He's sent me photos of them and tells me how they are doing.
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2 superheroes| get sentimental
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| Andrew Greene's Crazy Vine Dream |
[10 Oct 2009|02:57pm] |
Scene 1
A group of people are moving through a laboratory when there is a large explosion and a section of giant piping falls away from some ductwork near the ceiling. The blown out section reveals pink flesh-colored roots writhing, twisting, and growing within. The roots are wrapping vines around the outside of the pipe and travel the path at a quick pace. A small group of scientists gathered at the sound of the explosion and are now screaming in shock.
“Jesus! They’re out! And in the ducts!”
( Read more... )
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get sentimental
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| Seventeen Seconds At A Time (a short story) |
[15 Aug 2009|02:28pm] |
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It was a strange sight to see. I had just gotten dressed on a Saturday morning, walked into the living room, and I saw him through the sliding glass doors. A man in a lab coat was running over the green manicured lawn still dewy from the low temperature the night before. He was about a hundred yards out, quickly making his way up and down the small hills installed to make an urban cubicle of grass look more natural. Just big enough to make out flecks of green halfway up his wet pant legs, and he was clutching small garbage bag. Like I said, it was an odd sight for sure, but it was made even odder by the fact that his path directly led to the small patio outside the door I was looking through. Ordinarily I would have thought he was doing some insect research for the cherry orchard behind the apartment complex, or that he was contracted out by some pesticide paranoid parent. But his deliberate path made me suddenly panic about my welfare. Before I could even consider running for the bat I kept in the bedroom closet (that I always intended to move to the doorway), the man was simultaneously knocking on the glass with the left fist clutching the garbage bag and trying to slide the door open with his right hand. I quickly made my way there and finished sliding the door open while trying to block his entry into the room.
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8 superheroes| get sentimental
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| At Vintages, in Spokane |
[19 Jun 2009|01:32pm] |
I’m sitting on the couch in the foyer of a nice restaurant on the South Hill, reading Spokane METRO and waiting for a table. An out of place man in a loose t-shirt, baseball cap, and a Rolling Rock pounds over and sits in an overstuffed chair across from me.
Nearly yelling: “Hey man! How’s America treating ya?”
I study his face because he knows I’ve newly arrived, but I don’t know him. “Alright! I’m enjoying it.”
“NOooooo shit!? How long have you been here, man?”
“Couple days.”
Coming over to shake my hand, “Noooo shit! Where were you man?”
“China.”
“Well welcome back!”
“Thanks. Do… do I know you?”
“No you don’t man, but I’m a fucking intuitive mother fucker! And you know what? I’m gonna go back to China with you man because I love you, and I FUCKING HATE EVERYBODY here! And Andrew, I predict you are going to have a terrible day, because this place will fuck you up. You will get fucked up if you drink here!”
“Well, I just plan on getting some dinner, so I hopefully I’ll be alright.”
“Don’t fucking drink here man! Don’t do it, because you will get fucked up. But I love you man.” Some older ladies have finished their meal and are walking past us out the door, and he says loudly, “But I fucking hate those-” quietly now, “bitches! Don’t worry man, I said it quietly, they couldn’t here me, man. Don’t worry. But I love myself-” here he starts pulling violently on the front of his already stretched T-shirt, as he has given this speech a number of times tonight and the words come out like a struggle, “I love... myself... more than anybody on this fucking planet.”
We sit quietly for a second and he comes over to shake my hand again and say, “I love you man, but I gotta go. I fucking hate this place.” And he went off to The Pear Tree Inn bar next door.
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5 superheroes| get sentimental
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| quick stride steps |
[18 Apr 2009|03:10am] |
little quick stride steps and hands in
sweatshirt pockets
I may be a buck thirty-five but
I can do 14 pull-ups
can you resist the hookers?
hello! hello!
they love me, the hookers
they walk out special when I
walk by
they've heard of my strength
but I can resist
no thanks, but it's nice of you to offer
maybe you could stop by recess
some time
when I work out
your days are probably slow, right?
only housewives and unemployed
men at home then
you could watch. maybe
I could give you some money
if you dressed nice
class it up
a bit
a scarf, dress
no high heels
what's the going rate
for watching pull-ups
by a short man?
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2 superheroes| get sentimental
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